Making ammends
by SpencerReid187
Summary: Set after Jones. Reid talks to Morgan and Emily.


**A/N:** Okay, this is my first fanfic. It's set after _Jones_. Two parts.

---

Spencer had a lot to think about on the way home from New Orleans. That brief talk with Gideon had released something in him, like a valve. The pressure had lessened, in his chest, and his vision had cleared somewhat. He knew he was not in any way 'cured', but he could think a bit easier now, without his thoughts being immediately drawn to the question he had honestly never considered before his ordeal. _Can I do this job?_

He wasn't a physical fighter. He'd more than likely lose in most fist fights, and he had never taken up a martial art. But Spencer had always considered himself strong. Emotionally, he was strong. Mentally , he was strong. He had taken care of his mother as a child when his full-grown father had caved under the pressure. He had been in hostage situations, and come out the other end. That had changed with Tobias. He had been so _helpless_…. He still was, really. Helpless to the drug's control. For the first time in his life, he felt truly weak. Because this wasn't out of his control, like his mother's illness. He could _do_ something about it, yet he didn't know where to start. He had all the facts in his brain, and knew the way out, but he couldn't seem to take that first step.

Diana Reid had once tearfully asked her son, voice broken, why? Why, if he was a genius, couldn't he fix her? That question had haunted him for years, and he had struggled to find an answer. It wasn't fair. His teachers, counsellors, everyone; they all expected great things from him. Told him he could do anything.

Anything, except save the one he loved.

He could fix this. Maybe, for once, he wouldn't do it alone. The freeing effect Gideon's words had had on him, they were the way to recovery. They were his path. He had friends here. For the first time in his life, people who appreciated him, wanted the best for him. He had struggled alone in childhood and his teenage years because all the people feigning to help him were more interested in how far and fast they could push him than whether or not he wanted to just be a kid. To go out and play. These people cared, and he was failing as a friend if he wouldn't turn to them.

Morgan sat alone, listening to his head phones near the back of the plane. He should confide in him. Emily sat across from Morgan, leafing through a book on poems. He owed her an apology, for the way he had been acting towards her. Seeing that Morgan wasn't asleep, Spencer decided to start with him.

Getting up from his seat beside JJ, Spencer made his way down the aisle to sit beside his friend. He sat patiently, waiting for Morgan to realise he was there to talk. Slipping the headphones down his neck and switching off the MP3 player, Derek settled one leg across his knee. He was, as always, disconcertingly perceptive.

" Hey Reid. Something on your mind?" Spencer smiled slightly. Damn these people and their inner eye.

" Uh, Yeah. I was wondering if we could talk?"

" Sure thing, man. Whatever you want." Derek waited for Spencer to collect his thoughts and begin.

" I just wanted to… I'm not really sure what I want to say, but… I appreciate the fact that you're here, if I ever need to talk. I know I've been snapping lately, and I've rebuffed your offer of help a few times…"

" Reid, it's okay, man. I understand."

" Well… Believe it or not, I'm used to dealing with things alone. Everything, really. It's… an odd concept for me to have someone willing to listen without an ulterior motive." He shifted in his seat, frowning slightly, and Derek sensed the impending rush of words that was about to come. " I, uh, I'm really grateful to be a member of this team. For the first time, I feel like I have friends, people who I can relate to and who in turn can understand me. But after, Tobias, I began to doubt whether or not I could do this job. A little like Arthur Clennam, I've been fighting cynicism my whole life, and the last few weeks I let it in. I just felt so… world-weary, you know? I think subconsciously I was distancing myself from you guys, because a part of me was considering leaving this job."

" And are you?"

" No. No, I'm not. Call it temporary insanity." Spencer smiled at him, causing Morgan to chuckle, though he couldn't hide the relief in the sound.

" That's a good thing, Reid. This job would be so much more time consuming without you." He punched the young man's shoulder lightly, and Reid nodded his head in understanding. " Oh, and Reid? We don't understand you. You're too much like 'Powder', man." Reid laughed. Getting up, he left Morgan to his music and resumed his previous seat, unaware that Emily had been listening the whole time.

---

_References:_

Arthur Clennam - 'Little Dorrit', by Charles Dickens.

Powder - a 1995 movie whose character reminds me strongly Spencer Reid. The plot was based around a human being born in our time, but belonging to the future evolution of man kind. A higher being. Ever stuck for a movie that will make you think, check it out. Interestingly, Powder's last name is 'Reed'.


End file.
